Chapter 1 The Female Orgasm: Understanding the Pleasure Gap

You've likely encountered the troubling statistics: only about 30% of women consistently reach orgasm during sexual encounters with partners, while for men that number soars above 90%. This disparity represents what Kerner calls the "pleasure gap" — perhaps the most persistent and overlooked inequality in sexual relationships. The root of this gap isn't biological destiny but rather a fundamental misunderstanding of female sexuality coupled with cultural prioritization of male sexual patterns.

Kerner begins by challenging the dominant sexual script that has shaped intimate encounters for generations. The conventional sexual narrative proceeds from foreplay to penetration to male climax, with female pleasure often relegated to an optional side feature rather than a central focus. This script reflects what he calls the "intercourse discourse" — the deeply ingrained belief that penis-in-vagina intercourse represents the definitive act of sex.

When it comes to pleasuring women and conversing in the language of love, cunnilingus should be every man's native tongue.

This opening provocation sets the stage for Kerner's core thesis: oral sex isn't just another technique in your sexual repertoire — it's the most reliable pathway to female sexual satisfaction. The book's title, "She Comes First," operates on multiple levels. Most obviously, it emphasizes the importance of prioritizing female orgasm before male climax, but it also suggests a philosophical reorientation of sexual encounters that places female pleasure at the center rather than the periphery.

You're invited to reconsider what constitutes "real sex." If the ultimate goal of sexual activity is mutual pleasure and connection, then any definition that systematically underserves female pleasure is fundamentally flawed. Research consistently demonstrates that most women require direct clitoral stimulation to achieve orgasm, something that standard intercourse often fails to provide adequately.

The Orgasm Achievement Gap

Kerner introduces several illuminating statistics that highlight just how pronounced this pleasure disparity really is:

• During first-time sexual encounters, only about 4% of women report achieving orgasm compared to over 50% of men
• In established relationships, the gap narrows but remains significant — approximately 60-70% of women regularly experience orgasm compared to nearly 95% of men
• When masturbating, women achieve orgasm at rates comparable to men during partnered sex (over 90%), indicating the issue isn't female physiology but rather how sex is typically practiced

These statistics point to what Kerner identifies as the central problem: not that women are somehow "difficult to please" or "complicated," but rather that the dominant approach to sexuality simply doesn't align with how female arousal and pleasure actually work. The female orgasm isn't elusive by nature — it's made elusive by sexual practices that don't prioritize the stimulation most women need.

You might be wondering why this pleasure gap persists despite decades of sexual liberation and discussion. Kerner suggests several interlocking reasons: the influence of pornography that centers male pleasure, inadequate sex education that focuses on reproduction rather than pleasure, and deeply ingrained cultural narratives that frame penetration as the "main event" of sex.

The Promise of a New Approach

While the chapter begins by outlining problems, it ends with a promise: female sexual fulfillment isn't mysterious or unattainable but rather a matter of adopting the right approach with the right knowledge. Kerner positions his oral sex-focused methodology not just as a set of techniques but as a complete philosophy of lovemaking that can transform your intimate relationships.

What makes cunnilingus so central to female pleasure? The answer lies in anatomy. Unlike penile pleasure, which is readily accessible during intercourse, the clitoris — the anatomical organ responsible for female orgasm — largely remains external to the vaginal canal. Oral sex provides direct, precise stimulation to this pleasure center in ways that intercourse alone often cannot.

But Kerner's approach goes beyond just advocating for more oral sex. He introduces the concept of "sexual choreography" — the need to resequence sexual encounters to align with female arousal patterns. This means extending arousal and stimulation before intercourse, prioritizing clitoral stimulation throughout the sexual encounter, and recognizing that for many women, penetration works best as the culmination of pleasure rather than the primary vehicle for it.

This opening chapter sets the foundation for everything that follows. By establishing the pleasure gap as a problem to be solved and positioning oral sex as the primary solution, Kerner prepares you for a comprehensive education in female sexual anatomy, arousal, and satisfaction. The journey ahead isn't just about learning techniques but about adopting a fundamentally different mindset toward sexuality — one that truly puts her pleasure first.

Chapter 2 Cliteracy: The Essential Anatomy You Never Learned

You've likely been taught more about the inner workings of automobile engines or distant astronomical bodies than about the intricate architecture of female sexual anatomy. This knowledge gap isn't accidental but reflects centuries of medical and cultural neglect. Kerner introduces the concept of "cliteracy" — a comprehensive understanding of the clitoris and surrounding anatomy — as the essential foundation for sexual proficiency.

The clitoris is not merely the small, visible button (the glans) that most people identify. It's actually a complex organ system with extensive internal structures. When fully mapped, the clitoris resembles a wishbone-shaped organ with multiple parts:

• The glans: The external portion, containing approximately 8,000 nerve endings (twice the number in the head of the penis)
• The shaft: The connecting structure that extends upward beneath the clitoral hood
• The crura: Two leg-like extensions that run along the pubic bone
• The vestibular bulbs: Erectile tissue that surrounds the vaginal opening

This complete clitoral system, when aroused, encompasses much of the vulva and surrounds the vaginal canal. Understanding this anatomy revolutionizes how you approach female pleasure. The visible portion represents just a fraction of this pleasure network — like seeing only the tip of an iceberg while the majority remains hidden beneath the surface.

The clitoris is not a button; it's an iceberg.

Kerner emphasizes that the clitoris is the only organ in the human body whose sole purpose is pleasure. Unlike the penis, which serves both reproductive and pleasurable functions, the clitoris exists exclusively for sensation. This anatomical fact underscores the legitimacy of focusing on clitoral stimulation as a primary rather than secondary aspect of sexual encounters.

Beyond the Clitoris: The Complete Pleasure System

Your cliteral education continues with an exploration of the surrounding anatomy that works in concert with the clitoris:

The vulva encompasses the entire external genital region and includes multiple structures with varying sensitivity and functions. The labia majora (outer lips) provide protection and contain sensory nerve endings. The labia minora (inner lips) are more densely packed with nerve endings and extend from the clitoral hood to surround the vaginal opening.

The vaginal opening itself is ringed with highly sensitive tissue. Just inside this opening on the upper wall lies the contentious G-spot — an area Kerner describes not as a distinct anatomical structure but as the point where internal clitoral tissue can be stimulated through the vaginal wall. This reframing resolves much of the debate about the G-spot's existence: it's not a separate "spot" but an area where internal clitoral structures can be accessed indirectly.

Kerner also addresses lubricant production, explaining that natural lubrication originates primarily from the Bartholin's glands near the vaginal opening, not from the vaginal canal itself as commonly believed. This matters because lubrication, while certainly related to arousal, doesn't perfectly correlate with it. Many women experience what researchers call "arousal non-concordance" — physiological responses that don't match subjective feelings of arousal.

The Arousal Networks

Female sexual anatomy operates through complex interconnections. The pelvic region contains an intricate network of blood vessels, muscles, and nerves that function together during arousal:

• Blood flow increases to engorge the erectile tissues of the clitoris and vestibular bulbs
• The vaginal walls produce lubrication through a process of transudation (filtering fluid through tissues)
• The PC (pubococcygeus) muscle group contracts during arousal and orgasm

Understanding these systems helps you appreciate why quick, direct approaches to stimulation often fail. The female arousal system typically requires time to fully engage, with blood flow gradually increasing to erectile tissues. This explains why extended arousal often leads to stronger orgasms — the entire system has time to become fully activated.

Kerner dismantles several anatomical myths along the way. The notion of vaginal orgasms as distinct from clitoral orgasms is reframed as different access points to the same clitoral network. Similarly, the idea that some women are simply "inorgasmic" is challenged by research showing that nearly all women can experience orgasm with proper stimulation and knowledge.

Individual Variations

While the basic anatomy remains consistent, Kerner emphasizes the significant individual variations in female genital anatomy. The size, shape, and positioning of the clitoris, labia, and vaginal opening vary widely among women. Some women have a glans clitoris positioned close to the vaginal opening, making simultaneous stimulation during intercourse more likely. Others have a clitoris positioned further away, requiring more deliberate attention.

These variations mean that techniques that work wonderfully for one partner might be ineffective or even uncomfortable for another. This anatomical diversity underscores one of Kerner's recurring themes: effective sexual pleasuring requires not just general knowledge but attentiveness to your specific partner's unique anatomy and responses.

The chapter concludes by connecting anatomical knowledge to practical application. Understanding the extensive nature of the clitoral system explains why broad, consistent stimulation often works better than pinpoint focus. It clarifies why oral sex, which can provide both direct and indirect stimulation to multiple structures simultaneously, proves so effective for many women.

Your journey toward "cliteracy" transforms how you conceptualize female pleasure. Rather than viewing the vulva as a collection of separate parts with the vagina as the main feature, you begin to recognize an integrated pleasure system with the clitoris at its center. This paradigm shift forms the foundation for the specific techniques and approaches that follow in subsequent chapters.

Chapter 3 The Tongue is Mightier Than the Sword: Oral Sex as the Cornerstone of Female Pleasure

You might wonder why, in a world full of sexual innovation from vibrators to virtual reality, Kerner places such emphasis on oral sex. This chapter makes the case that cunnilingus uniquely addresses the fundamental aspects of female sexual response in ways other activities simply cannot match. Far from being just another technique, oral sex represents the ideal intersection of anatomy, psychology, and practicality.

The tongue possesses qualities that make it uniquely suited for female pleasure. Unlike fingers, toys, or the penis, the tongue is soft, warm, and infinitely adaptable. It can provide broad, gentle pressure or focused attention; it can maintain consistent contact without becoming uncomfortable; and it can respond instantaneously to subtle cues from your partner. These properties align perfectly with what research shows most women prefer during clitoral stimulation: consistent pressure, gradual building of intensity, and adaptability.

The tongue is the perfect instrument for female pleasure—soft yet strong, precise yet flexible, persistent yet patient.

The Physiological Perfect Match

When you examine the physiological reasons behind oral sex's effectiveness, several factors emerge:

• Temperature and texture harmony: The warm, soft surface of the tongue closely matches the sensitive tissues of the vulva, creating comfortable, pleasurable contact
• Moisture management: The mouth naturally produces saliva that provides lubrication, enhancing sensation without interruption
• Access to the complete pleasure system: The mouth can simultaneously stimulate multiple erogenous zones, including the clitoral glans, shaft, labia, and vaginal opening
• Hands-free sustainability: Unlike manual stimulation, which can cause hand fatigue or cramping, oral techniques can be maintained for extended periods

Kerner draws on research from sexual physiologists showing that the majority of women reach orgasm most reliably through sustained clitoral stimulation lasting an average of 15-20 minutes. This duration often exceeds what's comfortable or sustainable with manual techniques alone, making oral sex particularly effective for bringing women to climax.

Beyond these physical benefits, oral sex creates an optimal position for accessing the female genitalia. When properly positioned, the giver has complete access to the entire vulva, can observe responses, and can maintain comfortable positioning for extended durations. This practical advantage shouldn't be underestimated—the ability to sustain pleasurable stimulation without interruption is crucial for female arousal.

The Psychological Dimension

The benefits of oral sex extend beyond the physical. Kerner explores the psychological aspects that make cunnilingus particularly powerful:

When you perform oral sex, you communicate complete acceptance and desire for your partner's body. Many women experience anxiety about their genitals—how they look, smell, and taste. Enthusiastic oral sex directly counters these concerns, conveying appreciation rather than mere tolerance. This acceptance helps dismantle barriers to pleasure created by self-consciousness.

Additionally, oral sex creates a unique dynamic where the receiver becomes the complete focus of attention. Unlike intercourse, which often involves mutual physical pleasure, cunnilingus places the woman's pleasure at the center of the experience. This exclusive focus allows her to surrender to sensation without feeling pressured to simultaneously please her partner.

This psychological benefit connects to what sex researchers identify as a crucial element for female orgasm: the ability to mentally surrender. Many women report needing to "let go" mentally to experience climax. The receiving position during oral sex—typically lying back without responsibility for the other person's immediate pleasure—facilitates this mental release.

The Evolution of Attitudes Toward Oral Sex

Kerner examines how cultural attitudes toward cunnilingus have evolved. Historically, oral sex was often considered taboo or "extra"—something beyond "regular" sex. Today, surveys indicate a significant shift, with oral sex increasingly recognized as a core sexual activity, particularly among younger generations.

Despite this evolution, persistent misconceptions remain. Some still view cunnilingus as merely foreplay—a brief prelude to "real sex." Others approach it with reluctance stemming from unfamiliarity or outdated concerns about hygiene. Kerner directly addresses these barriers, noting that modern hygiene practices have eliminated any rational basis for such hesitation.

He also confronts the lingering double standard where receiving oral sex is considered an entitlement for men but a luxury for women. This asymmetry appears in both casual encounters, where studies show men receive oral sex significantly more often than women, and in committed relationships, where the disparity may be less pronounced but still exists.

Beyond Technique: The Philosophy of Oral Giving

Toward the chapter's conclusion, Kerner shifts from advocating for oral sex to developing what he calls a "philosophy of oral giving." This approach transcends specific tongue movements to encompass an entire mindset about pleasure:

• Presence and mindfulness: Fully engaging with your partner's responses rather than mechanically performing actions
• Patience and persistence: Committing to the process without rushing toward a goal
• Pleasure in giving: Finding genuine enjoyment in providing pleasure rather than viewing it as a service
• Pride in skill development: Approaching oral techniques with the same dedication one might bring to any other meaningful skill

This philosophy transforms cunnilingus from a technique into an expression of connection. When approached with genuine enthusiasm and skill, oral sex becomes not just physically satisfying but emotionally affirming. Partners instinctively sense the difference between reluctant performance and enthusiastic giving.

The chapter concludes by addressing potential resistance to this oral-centric approach. Some may question whether emphasizing cunnilingus diminishes the importance of intercourse or creates performance pressure. Kerner counters that resequencing sexual activities to prioritize female orgasm through oral sex doesn't eliminate intercourse but rather enhances it. When women experience climax before penetration, intercourse often becomes more pleasurable and connected for both partners.

As you finish this chapter, you're challenged to reconsider the centrality of oral sex in your sexual repertoire. Rather than viewing it as an occasional addition, Kerner invites you to see cunnilingus as the foundation upon which satisfying sexual encounters are built—the cornerstone rather than the embellishment.

Chapter 4 The Process of Arousal: Mapping Her Sexual Response

You've now learned about female anatomy and why oral sex provides optimal stimulation, but understanding the progression of female arousal is equally crucial. This chapter maps the journey from initial interest to climax, helping you recognize the signposts along the way and respond appropriately at each stage.

Female arousal doesn't follow a straight line but rather a complex curve with distinct phases. Kerner adapts the traditional sexual response models developed by researchers like Masters and Johnson but updates them with contemporary understanding. The result is a practical roadmap that helps you identify where your partner is in her arousal journey and what she needs to progress.

The Arousal Curve: Understanding the Phases

Female sexual response typically involves several distinct phases:

• Desire phase: Mental and emotional interest in sexual activity
• Excitement phase: Initial physiological responses including lubrication and blood flow
• Plateau phase: Extended arousal with intensified sensation
• Orgasmic phase: Rhythmic muscular contractions and peak pleasure
• Resolution phase: Return to non-aroused state

What makes this model particularly useful is Kerner's detailed exploration of the physical and behavioral signs associated with each phase. Unlike men, whose arousal level is visibly apparent, women's arousal states can be more subtle to observe. Learning to recognize these indicators allows you to provide appropriate stimulation at each stage.

Women's arousal is like a complex piece of music that builds gradually with recurring motifs, rather than a simple linear progression from quiet to loud.

During the desire phase, mental engagement often precedes physical response. Contrary to older models that assumed physiological arousal always comes first, research now shows many women experience desire beginning in the mind. This explains why context, mood, and mental state significantly impact female arousal. Creating environments conducive to relaxation and mental engagement can be as important as physical technique.

The excitement phase brings the first physiological changes: increased blood flow to the genitals, beginning lubrication, and subtle changes in the position of the clitoris. Kerner emphasizes the importance of patience during this phase. Many sexual encounters fail because they progress too quickly through this critical stage, not allowing time for full engagement of the arousal systems.

The Critical Plateau Phase

Particular attention is given to the plateau phase—the extended period of high arousal before orgasm. This phase typically lasts much longer in women than in men and requires different handling. During plateau, stimulation shouldn't necessarily intensify dramatically but rather maintain consistency. Abrupt changes in rhythm, pressure, or technique during this phase can reset arousal, forcing a return to earlier stages.

Kerner identifies specific physical signs of the plateau phase that help you recognize when a woman has entered this critical stage:

• Deepening color change in the labia (from pink to deeper red)
• Retraction of the clitoral glans under the hood
• Expansion of the inner vaginal walls
• Changes in breathing patterns and vocalization
• Tensing of muscle groups, particularly in the thighs and abdomen

Recognizing these signs allows you to adapt your approach appropriately. When a woman enters plateau, consistency becomes paramount. This is when many partners make the critical mistake of intensifying stimulation too dramatically or changing techniques entirely, not recognizing that consistency often works better than escalation at this stage.

Individual Variations in Arousal Patterns

While these general phases apply broadly, Kerner emphasizes the significant individual variations in how women experience arousal. Some women move through these phases relatively quickly, while others require extended time in each stage. Some experience a linear progression, while others may cycle through phases, particularly between excitement and plateau, before reaching orgasm.

These variations explain why formulaic approaches to female pleasure often fail. What works perfectly for one partner might be ineffective for another. This reality underscores the importance of communication and observation rather than relying solely on techniques that worked with previous partners.

Kerner addresses several common variations in female arousal patterns:

• Multi-orgasmic potential: Many women can experience multiple orgasms with continued stimulation
• Arousal waves: Some women experience multiple peaks and valleys of arousal before climaxing
• Blended responses: Combinations of clitoral, vaginal, and other stimulation creating unique pathways to pleasure
• Situation-dependent patterns: The same woman might follow different arousal patterns depending on context, stress levels, and point in her menstrual cycle

The Mind-Body Connection

Throughout this chapter, Kerner emphasizes the inseparable connection between psychological and physiological aspects of arousal. The brain remains the most important sexual organ, interpreting and sometimes overriding physical stimuli. This explains phenomena like arousal non-concordance, where physical responses (lubrication, engorgement) occur without subjective feelings of arousal, or conversely, where mental arousal exists without full physical response.

Understanding this connection helps you recognize that arousal difficulties often stem from mental factors rather than inadequate physical technique. Common psychological barriers include:

• Spectatoring: Self-conscious monitoring of one's own responses rather than experiencing them
• Performance anxiety: Pressure to respond in expected ways or within certain timeframes
• Distracting thoughts: Mental intrusions about work, relationship concerns, or body image
• Unresolved conflicts: Relationship tensions that prevent full surrender to pleasure

Addressing these barriers often involves creating environments where mental relaxation becomes possible. Techniques like mindfulness, removing time pressure, and establishing clear communication can help partners overcome psychological obstacles to arousal.

The chapter concludes by connecting this understanding of arousal patterns to practical sexual choreography. Knowing the typical progression of female arousal allows you to structure sexual encounters that work with rather than against these natural patterns. This might mean extending foreplay, incorporating oral sex before attempting penetration, or recognizing when consistency trumps variety.

With this map of female arousal, you're equipped to recognize where your partner is in her journey and respond appropriately to each phase. This understanding transforms sexual encounters from hit-or-miss experiences to thoughtfully orchestrated journeys that respect and work with female sexual response patterns.